JOKES (Heard a good One lately)

[SkyRaider]

THIS IS MUCH BETTER THAN THE DREARY OLD BIRDS AND BEES.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up
a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a
Download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and
said..............You've Got Male

[SkyRaider]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
>>the
>>night celebrating. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be
>>drinking anymore
>>tonight, Paddy!"
>>
>>Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
>>
>>Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off and falls flat on his
>>face.
>>
>>"Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
>>himself off.
>>He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
>>
>>"Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself
>>that if he
>>can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly
>>crawls
>>to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head
>>outside
>>and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a
>>step out
>>onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
>>
>>"Bi'Jesus... I'm smashed," he says to himself.  He can see his
>>house just a
>>few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door
>>frame,
>>opens the door and shimmies inside.  He takes a look up the stairs
>>and says
>>"No way." So he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says
>>"I can
>>make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat
>>on his
>>face.
>>
>>He says, "Dang it" and ultimately climbs into bed. The next
>>morning, his
>>wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says,
>>"Get up
>>Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"
>>
>>Paddy says, "I did ! Jess. I was smashed. But how'd you know?"
>>
>>"Mick phoned, . .   You left your wheelchair at the pub."

----

[ManX]

Last post was deleted by me...i dont not want to see another post on this forum regarding race/color.
Sky i thought you new best m8 but that was a little out of hand.

[SkyRaider]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today,
> I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
>
> The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
> today.  When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her we need to
have sex.
> That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
>
> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, Boss, and I
feel great.
> I be at work soon......... You got nice house."

[ManX]

 

[[RF]LtCol.Tadi]

LOL

[SkyRaider]

Subject: Beaver
Beaver

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

[andy]

lol

[[RF]LtCol.Tadi]

nice lol

[SkyRaider]

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to
audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi
and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.
When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every
now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you
do...with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every
now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do
is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually
send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in
disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And...
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[SkyRaider]

Cowboys and Muslims



  > >Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger
lounge in
  > >Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
  > >
  > >  One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is
a
  > >Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third
passenger
  > >is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State
University
  > >from the Middle East.
  > >
  > >  Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
  > >Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
  > >conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
  > >
  > >  The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine
table
  > >and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind
outside
  > >is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but
still
  > >no plane comes.
  > >
  > >  Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,
At
  > >one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
  > >
  > >  The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my
people
  > >were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that
is?"
  > >
  > >  The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and
from
  > >the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we
ain't
  > >played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
  > >

[SkyRaider]

The Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."


           The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[[RF]LtCol.Tadi]

lol

[SkyRaider]

The Value of a Drink

 "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame   Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.

 Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher,

smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?   I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

  WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not

[[DPRK]820th|Pvt.ItsElectric]

Ah, the Buffalo Theory.

What I use as a defense every time someone says alcohol makes you stupid.


Funny stuff, lol