JOKES (Heard a good One lately)

[SkyRaider]

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:

Work out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for $19.95

Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers :

"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

Ken's Car,

Ken's House,

Ken's Boat,

Ken's Furniture,

Ken's Computer and...

One of Ken's Friends.

[draco]

THE COSTUME

One day a man was trying to decide what to wear to a costume party that he was invited to.

After hard thinking,He finally came up with a Bright Idea.

He showed up at the door step to the party without a shirt and shoes on,and rang the door bell.

A female Hostess answered the door and took a good hard glance at him and asked---What the hell are you supposed to be?

He looked at her and said...

I am a "PREMATURE ORGASIM"I just came in my pants.

[draco]

Or;How About,This one:

The Teacher

One day<A new teacher and her first day at a new school Walked into the new classroom for the first time;

She happen to notice that on the chalkboard,the word pecker was written in small letters,so she scoped out the kids in the class, looking for the guilty one.

but to no avail,everyone in the classroom kept a straight face,so she rubbed the filthy word from the blackboard rigorously and immediately,and continued with teaching the class.

The next day,She showed up at the school, and walked into the class room;

Once Again,The word "PECKER" was on the Chalkboard but written a-little bit bigger.

She Just looked around the classroom again searching  for the guilty face to no avail,so she erased the filthy word with  more rigorous action,And proceeded to teach the class again.

The following day

She walked into the classroom, and again,the word PECKERwas again on the chalkboard but this time 4x bigger.

She was so furious this time,that she angrily grabbed the erasure,and with such violent force rubbed that dam filthy word off the board.

With intense mean eyes,she stared at everyone in class ,one by one.but still,no one cracked a smile.

The following day, she arrived at the school and entered the classroom expecting to see the same word on the board,only this time,the message was different.

IT READ AS FOLLOWS

"THE MORE YOU RUB, THE BIGGER IT GETS"

[kano]

lol

[kano]

Getting old is tough!

A 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left and still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next
door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open"

[kano]

Pastor's Ass

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
Again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of
The donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
Next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid
Of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about public opinion can
Bring you much grief and misery .. And even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life..... Only worry about your own ASS not
Someone else's....You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[inbredrick]

Heres a few sexist jokes (sorry to any women no offence)




How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
>
> Marry It!
>
>
>
> What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>
> A battery has a positive side.
>
>
>
>
>
> What are the three fastest means of communication?
>
> 1) Internet
>
> 2) Telephone
>
> 3) Telawoman
>
>
>
> How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
>
> They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
>
>
>
> How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
>
> Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
>
>
>
> How is a woman like a condom?
>
> Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
>
>
>
> What should you give a woman who has everything?
>
> A man to show her how to work it.
>
>
>
> Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
>
> Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
>
>
>
> How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
>
> Put a nipple on it.
>
>
>
> Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
>
> Because they don't have balls to scratch.
>
>
>
>
> Why did God create woman ?
>
> To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
>
>
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> Why do women fake orgasms ?
>
> Because they think men care.
>
>
>
> What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
>
> Nothing, she's been told twice already.
>
>
>
> If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
> you done wrong?
>
> Made her chain too long
>
>
>
> How many men does it take to open a beer?
>
> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
>
>
>
>
>
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
>
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
> never be able to support you.
>
>
>
>
>
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>
> It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
> to the kitchen sink.
>
>
>
> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
>
> When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
>
>
>
>
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> How do you fix a woman's watch?
>
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>
>
>
>
>
> Why do men pass gas more than women?
>
> Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
> pressure.
>
>
>
>
>
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
> front door, who do you let in first?
>
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>
>
>
>
>
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
>
> A woman who won't do what she's told
>
>
>
>
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> I married a Miss Right.
>
> I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>
>
>
>
>
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
> 90%.
>
> It's called a Wedding Cake.
>
>
>
>
>
> Why do men die before their wives?
>
> They want to.
>
>
>
>
>
> Women will never be equal to men...until they can walk down the street
> with a bald head and a beer gut, and
>
> still think they are sexy.
>
>
>
>
>
> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
>
> Then God created Man and rested.
>
> Then God created Woman.
>
> Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[IrsZer]

           Here are some of my jokes that I know.,

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it. 
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.


A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.


A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!



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